Monotony & Melancholy

Monotony

Melancholy

Every day is the same.

Eye issues keep me from going anywhere on the spur of the moment, even when money allows. Always having to rely on others for transport even the short distance to the library sucks. And being treated as an inconvenience is galling.

Forced isolation is horrible for an extrovert. I shudder to remember the days before I "plugged" in to the internet, in those days before social media exploded and broadened my circle of interaction. Many mourn the loss of face-to-face exchange, but for those of us who are effectively homebound, electronic socializing is a lifesaver.

And so my days are filled with ersatz socializing. Or napping. Ambition gives way to somnolence and sloth. I try to keep some semblance of discipline: no sleeping till noon; I keep a mostly proper meal schedule; fairly regular bedtimes. And I make a strong effort to go out to physical meetings at least twice a month. Definitely not as active as only a couple of years ago, but still something. In the end, it's not much good; the goals I set for each day go unaccomplished. Sometimes even the most basic chores are put off.

Lifting myself out of this morass is herculean. A task I know in my very soul I am capable of but still unable to make the first move. Ambition without motivation? Motive without action? The story of my life. Great dreams and plans on paper and no ambition to put them into action. Even the promise of fame and fortune have never been quite enough. Is it complacency or fear? Am I just lazy? 

Yuck

I hate cold, rainy, yucky days when I'm stuck inside with no sunshine coming through the windows.  Rain on a sunny day is a thing, right?  Why can't I have that now?  Rainy, yucky days tend to depress me.  I begin to think.  Not just any random thoughts, though.  Old toxic thoughts.  I think about past mistakes, past hurts, past anger – things I no longer have or ever had any control over.  Imaginary hurts that never happened and potential hurts that probably never will.  I brood.  I'm restless and bored.  There's plenty of constructive activities with which I could fill a rainy day – reading, watching movies, crocheting – but instead I brood.  Or eat.  Or sleep.  Napping usually keeps my mind quiet for a while.  Unless the brooding thoughts seep into my subconscious. Then disturbing angry or frightening dreams add to the general ickiness of the day.  Usually, though, I don't do any of that, I sit and play games online or cruise Facebook and brood a little more.  And wait.  I wait for Spring.  I wait for Winter to give way to burgeoning Life.  I wait for the bright greens of new plants and bright yellow sunshine. 

Pffffttttt, it's only February.  Where's my yarn and Netflix?  Maybe a little chocolate, too.