Monotony
Melancholy
Every day is the same.
Eye issues keep me from going anywhere on the spur of the
moment, even when money allows. Always having to rely on others for transport
even the short distance to the library sucks. And being treated as an
inconvenience is galling.
Forced isolation is horrible for an extrovert. I shudder to
remember the days before I "plugged" in to the internet, in those
days before social media exploded and broadened my circle of interaction. Many
mourn the loss of face-to-face exchange, but for those of us who are effectively
homebound, electronic socializing is a lifesaver.
And so my days are filled with ersatz socializing. Or
napping. Ambition gives way to somnolence and sloth. I try to keep some
semblance of discipline: no sleeping till noon; I keep a mostly proper meal
schedule; fairly regular bedtimes. And I make a strong effort to go out to
physical meetings at least twice a month. Definitely not as active as only a
couple of years ago, but still something. In the end, it's not much good; the
goals I set for each day go unaccomplished. Sometimes even the most basic
chores are put off.
Lifting myself out of this morass is herculean. A task I
know in my very soul I am capable of but still unable to make the first move.
Ambition without motivation? Motive without action? The story of my life. Great
dreams and plans on paper and no ambition to put them into action. Even the
promise of fame and fortune have never been quite enough. Is it complacency or
fear? Am I just lazy?
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